My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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