you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
