im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
