I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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