How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
