dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
