I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
