Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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