i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
