Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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