Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
