i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
