Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
