remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
