Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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