forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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