nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Randomize
