I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
