if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
