My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
