I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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