The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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