the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
