I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
