You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
