I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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