i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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