Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
