we have officially lost it.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
