Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize