We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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