The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
