got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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