so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Randomize
