I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
