sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
