Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
