Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
