so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
