So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
