a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
