dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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