i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
