I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I had to cum in my sink.
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