I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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