I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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