This is not my ceiling
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
