I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
