I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
