I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
