Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
