nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
