I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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