Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
if only i could text you this smell
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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