i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
