I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
