plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
