It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
