im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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