who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
