before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
